TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
You Might Also Like
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.