Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
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don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
what?