Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
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Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.