[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
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ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it