my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
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My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.