Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
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The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?