In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
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My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I love it all
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Do not levitate over flowers