In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
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I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
that wasn’t the question
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grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
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[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
he was correct
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[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use