In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
You Might Also Like
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.