Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
You Might Also Like
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*