Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

ME: I got us a custom headstone!

WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes

ME: Just read it

WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.

What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?

A parsnip.

Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.

She didn’t.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner

mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah

me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

If you love something, set it free…

Except if ‘It’ is a man.

Because he’ll get lost,

and won’t ask for directions.

The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.

There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.