Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You Might Also Like
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
#catsoftwitter
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.