*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
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Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
everyone’s a critic
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.