If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
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Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
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A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.