[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
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you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.