With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
You Might Also Like
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Yup
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”