So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
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No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.