I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
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“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases