*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
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Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”