SHE SAID YES!! 馃槏馃槏馃槏馃拲馃拲馃拲 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
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Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son鈥檚 text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you鈥檇 think I birthed a moth.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I鈥檇 pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
being a writer on Twitter:
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Seems legit
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don鈥檛 worry this isn鈥檛 going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
What鈥檚 the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you鈥檙e not a house to be trifled with?
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Please don鈥檛 call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.