Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
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Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.