No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
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The only equipped I am is ill.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Every photo I’m tagged in
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.