No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
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[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.