Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
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BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”