Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
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Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.