Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
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The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Me trying to look natural in photos
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
this was the best i’ve ever seen
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor