this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
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Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.