Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
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HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!