I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
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daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
😩😩😩
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone