I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
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I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next