Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
You Might Also Like
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
File under excellent bookstore names.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?