Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
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Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET