Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.

A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

pizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less

Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?

Me: Guess

Friend: What’s its name?

Me: Spork

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one

The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick

You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.

cats when you pet them too long:

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations

“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations

Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.

8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!

Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader