Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
You Might Also Like
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog