doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy