Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
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THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.