I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
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crying
for all #parents out there
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.