I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
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Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.