JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
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This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”