Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
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‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
necessity is the mother of invention
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.