Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?![]()
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The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.