We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
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I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
The photographer’s assistant
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks