You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate