Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
i will not be silenced
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.