stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
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just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
it is time once again
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house