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If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.