No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
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Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?