The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
You Might Also Like
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .