I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
You Might Also Like
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together