If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Milk Cube
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
FINE, I WON’T.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”