Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.

I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*

Him: *puts bacon in the oven*

Me: You win

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok

i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

*tries hard*

*fails*

*tries flaccid*

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?

Him: I’m right here!

Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y

Him: That’s not what I said

Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G