Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
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Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully