just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
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I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Somebody call the cops.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*