If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
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When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex