People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
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I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.