(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
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government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher