Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
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I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”