I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
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Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Selfie
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.